Dos and Don’ts of Dating Yourself
These are the top 10 dos and don’ts of dating yourself — 5 things you need to stop doing, as well as 5 things you need to start doing, to help you date yourself better, more efficiently.
One of the main reasons you don’t like yourself or spending time with yourself, is likely due to the fact that you don’t actually date yourself like you date others. Whether it’s a platonic relationship or a romantic one, we have a tendency to invest in them more than we do our own self-relationship. We “forget” that we need and should have a relationship with ourselves, which includes going on self-dates. In fact, dating yourself is probably the key element in building a self-relationship and learning how to enjoy our own company. We spend all of our energy on other relationships, yet neglect our own. We need to stop neglecting, and start investing in ourselves, and that begins with taking ourselves out on proper dates, just like we do with others.
Dating yourself is not only an essential step in building a strong, healthy and deep relationship and connection with yourself… It’s also one of the best ways to spend quality alone time. Time of high value that will help you grow closer to yourself, as well as appreciate and feel better about yourself and who you are.
Do this: These are the top 5 things you should do to learn how to date yourself
This means taking purposeful action, starting to be proactive and taking charge of your self-dating life. Combine all of the following elements into your self-dating life so you can learn how to do it properly.
1. Spend quality time with yourself
More often than not, the main reason we don’t enjoy our own company is due to the fact that we just don’t spend quality time by ourselves. This means that we don’t actually go out of our way and out in effort to make our alone time significant and valuable. We don’t do anything of importance, we don’t make it good enough to actually want to do. In addition, the time we do spend alone, we waste away on binge watching shows, or scrolling aimlessly through social media (not to mention, comparing yourself to the people you see on them). We get lazy with ourselves and don’t put in the work necessary to make our alone time of high quality. Which leads to us dreading and avoiding our alone time, and treating it like a punishment. When we spend valuable, high quality time with ourselves, we will start enjoying this time and even looking forward to it.
2. Schedule alone time
If you don’t actually make time for yourself, you won’t ever have any time for yourself. We like to say we don’t have time. That we’re too busy, and life is hectic. But somehow we still find time for the things that matter to us, or to just do nothing and lounge around. You need to make the decision that you are important, and your self-dates are important. And when you make the time for you and them, then it will automatically give you that sense of importance. You need to make a point of scheduling time for yourself and for your dates, and find time to make it happen. If you don’t, then it will just never happen. And if you want to learn how to date yourself, which will help you love yourself better, and embrace yourself more… Then you need to find and make the time.
3. Make it different and special
If you’re single, you’re most likely spending more time alone, than when you were in a relationship. While you don’t need to spend all of this time doing something overly unique and valuable, you do need to make sure that when you take yourself on a date… You make it extra special. Especially since you’re spending more time alone, you need to find ways to differentiate between that and your self-date time. It can’t be just like every single day and time you spend with yourself, it has to feel and be different and take that extra effort to make it as such. There’s no need to go all out or do something over the top, but you do need to make sure to add that extra spice to it, something that will elevate it and make it that much more unique.
4. Invest in yourself
Sadly we all tend to neglect ourselves and invest in others more than we do in us. We cheer them on more, we believe in them more, we show up for them more, and so on. It’s time to start doing the same for yourself. Your singlehood is the best time and opportunity to start learning how to put yourself first. And that it’s not selfish and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You can’t pour from an empty cup after all, and you won’t have much to give to others if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Investing comes in different forms, and you need them all: The time, money and energy it takes to build a relationship with yourself, and in your self-date. You don’t have to mortgage a liver, but you do need to put in more than usual. This is a special occasion, and as such, you need to devote the time for it, without feeling rushed. You need to hype yourself up for it, put in that energy and time to create an awesome date. And you need to be willing to pay what’s needed to invest in yourself.
5. Do it regularly
Taking yourself out for just one date, won’t do much. Just like one workout won’t get you in shape, and one shower won’t keep you clean forever. You need to be persistent and consistent for it to have a significant impact on your life. For it to help you improve your self-relationship. It doesn’t have to be every single week, and there’s never a right amount. Just the right one for you and what makes you happy. You need to choose a frequency you can stick to and be consistent with… Whether it’s once a week, twice a month or once a month. Any less than that won’t be very effective in my opinion.
Don’t do this: These are the top 5 things you shouldn’t do to learn how to date yourself.
It’s not enough to only add certain elements and do things to take yourself out on dates… You also need to remove existing bad, negative and toxic habits, and things that will prevent and hinder your process.
1. Don’t bail on yourself
It’s okay to cancel your self-date if something urgent comes up, but never make a habit of it. It also shouldn’t be the first thing to go when you need to fit something new into your schedule. You need to remember and start believing that it’s just as important, if not more, than other things and relationships in your life. So just like you wouldn’t bail on your best friend, make sure to also not bail on yourself. When you do it often, it diminishes the significance and importance of your dates. Which will prevent you from utilising it for your benefit, and learning how to truly date yourself. If you want to date yourself properly, and thus embrace yourself and your singleness better… You need to stop ghosting and bailing on yourself. And you need to stop seeing the dates as something that is easily replaceable, and unworthy enough to keep in your schedule above all else.
2. Don’t distract yourself or escape to your phone
Just like you wouldn’t spend a date with a significant other, a friend or during a family meal… You also shouldn’t do so with yourself. Often, our first instinct is to reach for our phone as soon as there’s a quiet moment. When we’re sitting, standing or just waiting alone somewhere and feel awkward. We need to try and overcome this habit, also in general, but especially when we’re on a date with ourselves. One of the main reasons why we struggle to enjoy our own company is because we don’t spend enough quality alone time. Escaping to our phones or finding other distractions will only be counterproductive. Trying to distract ourselves from ourselves is usually derived from being uncomfortable in our own presence. So we need to shift our mindset, and push through the urge to reach for distractions.
3. Stop avoiding your alone time
If you’re constantly avoiding your alone time, and never actually spend any time with yourself… You’re also never going to learn how to enjoy it. If you want to date yourself, you actually need to date yourself. You need to take the plunge and stop avoiding it. The longer you avoid it, the harder it will be to get started. Even deeper than that, if you avoid your alone time, you’re also subconsciously flagging it as something negative and bad. You’re validating it as something that needs to be avoided, thus you’re less likely to actually learn how to enjoy your alone time. When you stop avoiding your alone time, and learn how to spend quality time with yourself… You will be able to date yourself properly, because you can’t date yourself if you’re constantly avoiding it.
4. Stop putting others first and scheduling yourself last
Your self-dates should be one of the first things that should be blocked into your schedule, not the last. It’s not only one of the first steps to stop avoiding your alone time, but also a way to value yourself and your time better. It’s validating your self-dates and alone time as valuable and worth your time. When you constantly put others before you, even your dates with others — you will not only not learn how to date yourself… But you also won’t be able to learn how to value and appreciate your alone time. And when you schedule your dates with yourself last, you’re not prioritising yourself… You’re also putting yourself at the bottom of the chain. That way, you’ll never learn how to start dating yourself properly.
5. Stop being stingy with yourself
This doesn’t mean you need to start splurging and spending tons of money on yourself, especially if you don’t have it. But you also shouldn’t always be frugal with yourself, and stingy when it comes to treating yourself to nice things. Especially when you’re taking yourself out on dates, you need to invest at least a small budget… As these dates are supposed to be special occasions, and you need to give a bit extra to make them unique and different from any other daily, normal activity. Not to mention that when you’re being stingy with yourself, you’re flagging yourself and your self-dates as unworthy, and not worth the investment. Which will trigger a whole chain reaction, of you avoiding your alone time and then also seeing it as something bad. So if you want to learn how to start dating yourself properly, stop being so stingy with yourself.
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Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.
