10 Steps To Enjoy Your Own Company
10 steps to help you feel more comfortable in your own company — Learn how to enjoy yourself and your own presence.
Too many people walk around avoiding their own company like the plague. Both at the confines of their own four walls, and outside under the watchful eyes of society. I know I used to be terrified of my own company, of being single. That fear made me stay in an unhealthy relationship for too long, just to not be alone. It took me a lot of hard work, stumbles and falls, to finally learn that alone isn’t lonely. I’ve experienced many trials and errors, to get to where I am today, where I love my own company. Many times it’s even better than being surrounded by many people.
For too long I avoided being seen on my own, just the thought of it would make me squirm and cringe. Society makes us feel uncomfortable and awkward sitting alone at a cafe, restaurant or anywhere else. They frown upon it and we in turn feel like it’s such a terrible thing. Which in my humble opinion, is a load of bullsh*t. I mean, we can’t live a happy life while avoiding our own company. Whether you’re single or not, reaching a point where you enjoy your own company, is fundamental for self love and acceptance.
1. Spend more quality time in your own company
The best way to get good at something, is with time and practice. You can’t rush it and take a crash course. You also can’t half ass it. Meaning, you need to be patient and just keep spending time with yourself to learn how to enjoy and love it. Huge emphasis on quality time. Not just sitting around on your phone or watching shows.
You need to do fun things with yourself that will make you look forward to your alone time and not dread it. That usually means finding new hobbies and / or working on your existing ones. You can use those hobbies to start developing new skills. So even if it’s difficult at first, spend as much quality time with yourself as you can. It’s also so important that you don’t avoid it like the plague. If you keep dreading it, you’ll never learn to enjoy your own company.
2. Develop some self love
You can’t enjoy your own company without self love, and you can’t self love without enjoying your own company. They go together hand in hand, and you need to develop and maintain them simultaneously. It’s a constant uphill battle to learning how to love yourself, which takes a lot of perseverance and persistence. But when you take it one step at a time, and be patient with yourself, you’d be surprised with the distance and places you can reach.
3. Self care
Too many people neglect themselves in order to take care of others, they seem to forget that they need to take care of themselves as well. I know I’ve done that too, for way too long. Even the most basic and fundamentals of self care get neglected, and since I entered singlehood it’s something that I’ve been working on constantly. Not only the basics of self care, with time I learned to also treat myself to special and extra self caring. Which is a huge part of learning how to be comfortable in your own company, as well as learning how to practice self love and how to be single and happy. You need to pamper and surprise yourself, treat yourself to special products and surprises. It’s not selfish, it’s crucial for your happiness. So don’t be afraid to spoil yourself too, once in a while.
4. Date yourself
As I mentioned above, you need to actually spend time with yourself to learn how to enjoy it. You need to do fun things with yourself, just like you go out and enjoy the company of your friends and family. Dating yourself, as silly as it may sound, is a great way to spend some quality time with yourself. If you’re having trouble and don’t even know where to begin, you can check out my “Dating Yourself” page where I post about dates you can take yourself on. You can also check out my recent blog post about “23 self dates ideas”. What I like to do is derive inspiration from other relationships I have in my life. Like the one with my best friend for example. What dates do we go on? What do we do together? Then, I do the same or similar things with myself.
5. Stop caring about what others think
This is way easier said than done, believe me, I know. But at the end of the day if you continue to care about what others think, you’ll completely drown yourself out. Not only will you never be pleased with yourself and also might get hurt, but you will also neglect your own opinion — which is the most important one. A book that really helped me with this, was “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. Nothing in life is easy, and if it is — it’s probably wrong for you. In his book, Manson talks about picking and choosing the things that you allow yourself to care about and focus on. When you find something else to focus your time and attention on, it will help you stop focusing them on things that aren’t worth it.
You need to stop caring about opinions that don’t matter, from people that don’t matter. I know it’s hard, because people allow themselves to voice their tactless opinions or questions. And it took me a long while to just not give a f*uck, because really, what they have to say does not matter to me. With time, I learned to just brush it off and ignore it, like they deserve.
6. Be patient, and don’t get discouraged, perseverance
Like many things in life, growing comfortable in your own company is a process, and takes time. Unfortunately you cannot snap your fingers or tap your heels to make it happen. There will probably also be many ups and downs, highs and lows. You might stumble a few times, and feel like you’re regressing. But if you keep pushing forward, fighting to get through these hard times, you will be rewarded ten times over. Because learning how to be happy alone is a wonderful and empowering feeling. And overcoming all of those hurdles and challenges along the way, will also make you feel strong. Like you can do just about anything you set your mind to.
7. When you’re out with others, work on not freaking out from moments when your just with yourself
In my previous blog post about enjoying your own company, I spoke about how I used to crawl from under my skin when I was in a room full of people, at an event, trip or just hanging out somewhere — but I was sitting, standing or walking alone. I would worry about what others are thinking, about how I hate being alone. But when I learned how to embrace myself and my singlehood, I also learned how to feel so comfortable with myself, even when I was surrounded by others and had no one but myself to be with. If you follow the previous steps, they will help ease the discomfort in order to achieve this.
8. Work on your confidence
Being confident is something I’ve worked very hard on for many years. ‘Till this day, there are times when I stumble on my words and get too shy. My heart still pounds like a bongo drum when I need to speak in a room filled with people. I think that there are some leftovers that might never leave me completely, but that’s okay. As long as I know that I still grew into a strong and confident person. That they don’t hinder me from doing what I want and continue to grow. Part of being confident is not eliminating your fears completely, but overcoming them and going forward in spite of them.
9. Stay positive and eliminate negativity
I don’t think it’s possible to eliminate negativity completely, and that’s okay, because it can also be useful. Negatives can give us perspective, help us appreciate the positive. But you also need to learn the fine line between a healthy amount of negativity, to unhealthy and self destructive. Because if you’re constantly putting yourself down, focusing too much on what’s not going for you and all of your flaws… You’re never going to be pleased with yourself. You need to try and focus on the positive things in your life, what makes you happy and what you do like in yourself. Now, I’m not saying that you have to be achingly positive and recite affirmations all day long. That won’t do you any good if it isn’t true.
But you need to strive to make that positive true. Start focusing on that one (or even two) thing that you’re good at, that you enjoy more than anything. Learn how to excel in that, and that will help you be more positive about yourself. In addition, add some hobbies and other pastimes that you enjoy. If you feel your life with the things that you not only enjoy, but are also good at — you will be more positive.
10. Be kind to yourself
No one in the world knows how to insult us better than we do ourselves. There’s probably not much one can insult me with, that I haven’t already insulted myself with. Just like with the positivity and negativity, you need to find the fine line. Because it’s actually very important to be self aware and know how to give yourself constructive criticism. In order to grow and develop, you need to know how to point at something that you did wrong, and not reprimand yourself for it. You need to know how to use it as a lesson, a tool to help you build yourself up. To be better.
That is self kindness in my opinion. Knowing how to pin-point something you did wrong, and using it as a stepping stone, instead of stoning yourself with it. It’s forgiving yourself for mistakes you made, and acknowledging that it doesn’t make you any less than anyone else. Being kind to yourself, is not comparing yourself to anyone other than who you were yesterday. It’s embracing yourself with all of your flaws, quirks, weirdness and scars, because they are what make you special and unique.
All of these ten steps build up not only to growing comfortable in your own company, but also to developing and maintaining a relationship with yourself.
Robin Sharma talks a lot about how the only person you will always have, is yourself. And the relationship you have with yourself, sets up all of the other relationships you have, all of your success and happiness. The absurd is, that so many of us are so scared of being alone, even if it’s just for a few hours. Which is a shame, because some of the best memories, the best ideas and successes you can have, is when you’re by yourself.
“A great life has times out in the world, and periods alone in the wilderness.”
Robin Sharma
More often than not, I enjoy my own company more than I do other’s. I can spend time in my own presence, with my own thoughts and imagination for hours on end. Achieving that, reaching this point was anything but easy and simple. It took so much pain and gain, and a combination of many different methods. But above all else, the thing that helped me the most, was my singleness. It was my path to embracing singlehood with all its glory. The best life lessons are the single life lessons. Being single has been my best and favourite teacher.
Most of man’s misery is derived by his inability to sit quietly in a room by himself.
Blaise Pascale
Hope you learn how to enjoy your own company!
Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.
